some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Randomize
