I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Randomize
