i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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