Fine. I'll sleep in my office
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
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