I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
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