If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
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