I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
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