You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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