you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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