I'm sorry my penis didn't work
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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