You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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