plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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