Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize