Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
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