All I know is that if italians start TIME TRAVELLING were all in a lot of trouble paizon
Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
