I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Randomize
