Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
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