Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize