really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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