apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
