You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
