You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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