She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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