This girl is more easily done than said...
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I got inside last night via doggy door
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
