Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
