UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
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