i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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