my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
