2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
If I die, sorry about rent.
Randomize
