yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Too much dab too little lung dying 😵😵😵
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