Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
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