hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Randomize
