I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize