Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
I hope mine doesn't look like that
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Randomize