how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
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