and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Randomize
