if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
What a dumb baby whore.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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