you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Randomize
