And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
