My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
