so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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