my phone needs a breathalizer
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize