You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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