New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
