i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
