I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
We need a shit load of segways right now
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
