Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
