wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
What should our trivia night team be named?
Define Statutory
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
