theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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