Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
