??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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