Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
