What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
last night I used snow as a chaser
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
