I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
