I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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