totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize
