you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize