If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Still dying that you shit outside
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
