Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Randomize
