you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
