Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize