the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
