Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
