I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
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